


you know that if you keep this up you'll be more scars than skin

by rogerstrashs



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, It's really sad then really happy, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, POV Steve Rogers, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Sadness, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, You feel me, but like civil war doesn't happen, mild PTSD, ok i need to stop writing in the tags, steve is just really sad he deserves better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-06
Updated: 2016-09-06
Packaged: 2018-08-13 07:57:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7968628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rogerstrashs/pseuds/rogerstrashs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because for Bucky it’s always been Steve. And for Steve it’s always been Bucky. </p><p>The AU where Civil War doesn't happen. Steve is an emo teen who listens to too much Pierce The Veil. Bucky lives in Romania. And Natasha is tired of Steve's shit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you know that if you keep this up you'll be more scars than skin

**Author's Note:**

> ahh okay this is my first work on here so PLEASE BE GENTLE WITH ME. i'd like to thank my beta jay, and my best friend alex for reading this and telling me it was good. i'm still scared it's absolute garbage but it's okay. ya live and learn right? okay here goes nothing!

_ ‘He knew me. He knew me. Why else would he have pulled me out of the water? He had to have known me.’  _

 

Steve sat in his room, alone on the too comfortable bed. All he saw was pure darkness. It’s been this way since he let Bucky slip right through his fingers. Since he let the love of his life run like water through his hands, for the second time in a century. 

 

_ ‘My Bucky has to be in there. He has to be. Why else would he pull me out of the water? He knew me... I know he knew me..’  _

 

Tears slipped out of his eyes and onto his sweatpant clad thighs. Everything hurt so much. It hurt too much. He couldn’t believe he had let Bucky go,  again . Steve was a tough man. Always has been since he was that small sickly boy in Brooklyn, but there was one person that made his walls break down. One person who made him weak at the knees, one person for whom he would give up everything he had just to see the smile on their face. That person was James Buchanan Barnes, always has been since they were kids. Steve had followed Bucky  _ into war god damnit.  _ War, where people died, when people would rather be homeless on the streets then to be forced into combat, but Steve her wanted to be by Bucky. He her  wanted to make sure Bucky was safe. That no one would hurt him and if anyone even dared, they would have to go through Steve first. Not that it would be any trouble with his small body, but Steve would always put up a hell of a fight, for Bucky. It’s always been Bucky, even when Steve didn’t realize he was in love with the grey eyed brunet. Even while he was slowly falling in love with Peggy Carter, in his heart he knew that he loved Bucky. Everything seem to click in place when he watched him fall of the train, descending into the bitter cold. Everything felt like it was going in slow motion, when Bucky fell. Steve had tried to grab him, he did. 

 

‘ _ But you didn’t try hard enough. You could’ve saved him. Even decades later you still lose him. You didn’t try hard enough, Steve. Face the facts.’  _

 

Steve rakes his blunt nails over his eyes, trying to get rid of the tears, trying to rid himself of the pain. Waking up from the ice was the hardest. To wake up alone in a whole different millenium. Having to live with the fact that you are completely alone in this new world. That Peggy Carter, who was once so young and vibrant,  is so much older than you once left her. Howard Stark, who could have been a good friend, is long dead. And Bucky Barnes, the love of his life, is still buried in ice somewhere. Steve felt alone for the longest time. In fact, he still does most of the time. He still has the same agonizing burn in his heart. Still has those horrible thoughts that flood his mind. He wonders everyday if it would just be easier to place a bullet in his head, to end all the insufferable pain. He would never tell anyone that though, he’s Captain America. Captain America is supposed to be a symbol of strength and perseverance, he’s not supposed to be contemplating suicide. Steve Rogers on the other hand, though. Steve Rogers is a wreck. Steve Rogers is a depressed man out of time who always feels alone and cries too much about someone who probably doesn’t even know him. Not anymore at least. But Steve should he happy, right? He’s made some amazing friends, even saved the world a couple of times, and a lot of people look up to him. But he’s still is missing a very big piece of his soul. He’s missing Bucky. Knowing that Bucky is out there,  alive , is what keeps him awake at night. Keeps him searching relentlessly, and keeps him crying every night when he comes back empty handed. No, Bucky in tow, or in sight. 

 

\--- 

 

‘ _ I thought you were dead.’  _

 

_ ‘I thought you were smaller.’   _

 

_ \--- _

 

It was one of those days again. Where Steve thought about Bucky and all the times he’s had with him. He thinks about the happy times, then moves on to the darker times. When Bucky fell of the train, and Steve couldn’t save him. When Bucky saw him on the bridge, and didn’t know who the hell he was. Staring into his steaming cup of coffee, Steve let a single tear slip out of his eye. He always seemed to be crying these days. He sat with his worn black hoodie bunched at his elbows, with the hood covering his blond hair. 

 

‘ _ I could’ve saved him.’  _

 

Steve then went to settle himself on his couch, in his dark living room. His apartment was silent, no one there to fill the space, preferably kept that way. He wanted to be left alone, to wallow in his own pity and pain. He didn’t want people to feel sympathy for him, or try to make him feel better. He wasn’t in the mood and didn’t feel like he deserved to let happiness wash over him. Steve chuckled deprecatingly at himself. He sounded like a 13 year old teenager who listened to too much  _ Pierce The Veil _ , and thought they were edgy and hardcore because they wore black and usually had chokers placed on their neck. He knew about the phase, since he had to keep up with pop culture and all that. 

 

“What are you chuckling about, Cap?” 

 

Steve jumped, spilling his warm coffee all over his sweats, hissing at the sudden pain that washed over him, even though he secretly relished the slight burn. He looked up and saw red hair, and a figure leaning on the breakfast bar with a brown leather jacket placed on the shoulders. 

 

“Geez, Nat. How long have you been standing there?” 

 

He got up and went to his kitchen, grabbing a towel and dabbing the fabric on his thighs. 

 

“Oh well, a couple of hours. It’s pretty entertaining watching you wallow in your own sadness, sniffling while sipping your coffee.” 

 

Natasha flicked on the lights and Steve immediately squinted his eyes, as it been a couple of days since he turned on the lights. She sat down on the same breakfast bar that she had been leaning on moments before and placed a manila folder in front of her. Then she slid it over to Steve on the other side. 

 

“Another mission? I’m not sure if I can make this one…” 

 

Steve sighed and grabbed the folder, slowly opening it. Dreading accepting the mission, he knew he had too. It was his job, after all. He had to get out of his apartment sometime, might as well get some work done while he did. When Steve opened the folder, he was faced with a photo of Bucky. Long brown hair, black baseball cap, grey long sleeve, and a black leather jacket. He stared at the photo longer than any normal human being would. He then continued on through the contents of the folder, sifting through the other pictures, all of which featured Bucky. Buying food, talking to little old ladies, taking out his trash, there were so many pictures of Bucky doing domestic, mundane things. Bucky was alive and he was doing well. Steve’s eyes then started to water,

 

“Romania.” 

 

Natasha’s voice snapped him out of the trance he had fallen into while looking at the photos of Bucky. He looked up at her, with his eyes a little glossy and misted over with unshed tears, as she gave him a small smile. 

 

“What?” 

 

Steve’s voice was barely there, mind miles away as his stomach filled with hope and butterflies. Could she really have?.. 

 

“He’s in Romania, Steve. He lives in a little apartment on the top floor. So are you just going to stand there with your mouth open or are we going to go get your boy?” 

 

\--- 

 

‘ _ How about you? You ready to follow Captain America into the jaws of death?’  _

 

_ ‘Hell, no! The little guy from Brooklyn who was too dumb not to run away from a fight. I’m following him.’  _

 

_ \---  _

 

Steve was nervous. Hell he had already sweated through two shirts on this flight. He repeatedly kept on asking Natasha if he looked alright, if his hair was okay, if he smelled okay. He was a nervous wreck. He was going to go get Bucky! His Bucky! But then his stomach fell as he remembered that there was still a chance that Bucky didn’t remember him at all, that the Bucky they might encounter wasn’t his Bucky. 

 

“Steve please. Calm down, man. Everything is going to be okay.” 

 

Sam’s voice filled his ears and he looked up and gave him a small smile. Sam grinned at him and gave him a thumbs up as he went back to flying the small plane. Steve went back to picking at his fingers and chewing on the skin on the side of his thumb. Natasha swatted his hand and gave him a stern look. 

 

“Stop that now, you don’t want to have bloody fingers as you hug your man, now do you?” 

 

She gave him a smirk and turned back to reading on her phone. What was Steve going to do when he saw Bucky? Honestly he would probably break down and cry. Maybe run to him and give him the tightest hug. Never letting go of the brunet, or maybe he’ll up and kiss him like no ones business. No, he can’t do that. As much as he wanted too, he couldn’t do that. Bucky doesn’t know that Steve is hopelessly in love with him. Bucky doesn’t know how frantically Steve has been looking for him. Or how he haunts his dreams every single night. What if Bucky doesn’t want to see Steve? What if he wants nothing to do with him? What if he hates him for not trying hard enough to save him and then letting him go? What if- 

 

“STEVE!” 

 

He was jolted out of his thoughts and then looked up, seeing that Sam and Natasha were giving him concerned looks.

 

“Steve, are you okay? We’ve been calling you for five minutes, man. Are you sure you can do this? We can try this another time..” 

 

Steve shook his head. He needed to do this now. He needed to get his Bucky, now. 

 

“It’s now or never.” 

 

Steve unbuckled himself from the seat, safety first, and made his way out of the plane with Natasha and Sam walking behind him. It was now or never. 

 

\--- 

 

‘ _ You’re my friend.’  _

 

_ ‘You’re my mission.’  _

 

_ \---  _

 

Steve sat in Bucky’s small apartment on a small table. There was a small bed to the side of the apartment. With a very small kitchen. Everything about Bucky’s apartment was small, and a sadness washed over him as he checked it out. Bucky was sleeping here, alone, and he didn’t have anyone. Well Steve thought that he didn’t have anyone. What if Bucky had found himself someone? Most likely a dame, pretty and soft. A burst of anger sparked through him and he remembered that Bucky didn’t belong to him. He could do whatever the hell he wanted with whoever he wanted. Steve sat down again and fiddled with his fingers while waiting for Bucky’s arrival. He stared at a black journal that was perched on the counter top. His fingers itched to grab it and flip through it, but that was Bucky’s property. His private secrets and thoughts. He couldn’t invade his privacy like that, no matter how badly he wanted to. Then he thought about how he did break into his apartment, with the help of Natasha who was on the roof and Sam who was keeping watch, and he stood up and grabbed the the journal and began to flip through it. A big section of the journal was in Russian, not understanding a lick of the language he continued on. 

 

‘ _ My name is James Buchanan Barnes, also known as Bucky. I was born on March 10, 1917. I was a Sergeant in World War II. Joined the Howling Commandos with Captain Steve Rogers in 1943, and died-’  _

 

Steve stopped reading when he noticed the tears stain the paper and made the ink fade. Bucky remembered. He remembered himself. 

 

‘ _ Steve Rogers, also known as Captain America, was my best friend. He was born on July 4, 1918. He went from being a very small sickly boy in Brooklyn, to the world’s first Superhero, because of Project Rebirth. I knew him. I know him.’  _

 

Steve was a sobbing mess when Bucky walked through the door. Both men froze and stared at each other. The world seemed to slow to a stop, just as it did when Bucky fell from the train. 

 

“Bucky..” 

 

He was ready to hear the same phrase, ‘ _ Who the hell is, Bucky?’  _ that he heard a year ago when he saw his friend again for the first time in 70 years. 

 

“Do you know me?” 

 

Steve added after saying the man’s name. He started shaking, his voice cracking. 

 

“You’re Steve. You used to put newspaper in your shoes.” 

 

He couldn’t hold back anymore and went sprinting towards Bucky, enveloping him in a hug. He inhaled the man’s scent, a musky smell mixed with cheap cologne. Steve smiled, a true smiled that he hadn’t used since he saw Bucky fall. 

 

“Why did you run, Bucky? I could’ve helped you.” 

 

Steve sobbed into Bucky’s neck, clenching at the man's waist. Not letting go, he would never let go of him, not again. Bucky sighed, and wrapped his arms around Steve’s shoulders. 

 

“I needed time to find myself, Steve. I was all messed up. I had too much in my mind. There's was too much to process. Too many triggers lodged in my brain. Too much sadness swirling through my body. There was just so much, Steve. I had to be alone and fight these demons by myself.” 

 

It was Bucky’s turn to start crying. Both men were crying, sliding down to the floor and holding each other close. Neither had the intention to let go anytime soon. 

 

“When you told me those words, something clicked. You started the breakthrough. You helped me, Steve. The rest was up to me.” 

 

\--- 

 

‘ _ Even when I had nothing. I had Bucky.’  _

 

_ \---  _

 

It took time. A good amount of time to be okay, again. For both parties to see how much they both meant to each other. For the nightmares to lessen. For the depression to go away. It also took some time for Steve to come to term with his romantic feelings for Bucky, even more to actually say something to the man. 

 

“Hey Buck. I uh, I have something to say. Something to ask.” 

 

Bucky looked up from his serious game of fruit ninja. He was almost at his highest score and Steve just cost him his last life. 

 

“Yes, Steve?” 

 

He said, voice a little irritated. Steve glanced everywhere across the room, not meeting Bucky’s eyes. Bucky quickly picked up on his unease and went immediately to try and comfort the man. 

 

“Steve? What’s wrong? Are you okay?” 

 

Bucky scooted to the side and patted at the space next to him, signifying for Steve to sit down. Steve let his muscles relax and then sat down, putting his head in his hands. 

 

“C’mon Stevie, you know you can tell me anything. What’s up?” 

 

Bucky put his arm around Steve’s shoulder. And pulled him into his side. 

 

“Well um. You see. I was wondering, if um. If you would like to uh go out uh, sometime?” 

 

Bucky froze, eyebrows knitted in a way that Steve privately thought was adorable. 

 

“Steve… Are you asking me on a date?..”

 

Steve flushed bright red and stumbled on his words, trying to find the right thing to say. What if Bucky was going to get mad or offended? 

 

“OH MY GOD! STEVE! YOU’RE ASKING ME ON A DATE!” 

 

Bucky shot up from his seat and started pointing at Steve. Steve read this as a no and quickly rushed to try and diffuse the situation.

 

“No- Well no not if you don’t-”

 

“Steve! YOU BIG DUMMY! OF COURSE! Do you understand how long I’ve been waiting for you to ask me this?” 

 

Steve was completely at a loss for words. Bucky wanted him too, just as much as Steve wanted Bucky. 

 

“I’ve loved you since we were 18, Steve. When you were a little thing that would stuff his shoes with newspaper. When you would never back down from a fight. When you were too stubborn to take no for an answer. It’s always been you. Even when you were smitten with that Peggy Carter. When you guys would trade googly eyes, I’m not going to lie it made my blood boil. But you were happy, and your happiness means the world to me, Steve.” 

 

Because for Bucky it’s always been Steve. And for Steve it’s always been Bucky. 

 

\--- 

 

_ ‘Thank you Buck, but I can get by on my own.’  _

  
_ ‘The thing is, you don't have to. I'm with you 'til the end of the line, pal.’  _

**Author's Note:**

> I HOPE THIS WAS OKAY. I'M SORRY IF IT SUCKED. i take request, because i think i want to write more. so yea. you can contact me at the info below. 
> 
> twitter: civilwvar  
> 


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